The Unknown Variable

(Love: as I see it)
by Mary Ann Vallente

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I was in the middle of troubleshooting a wifi connection issue over the phone when the caller, a 72- year-old married woman, asked me, “What do you look for in a guy?" and then I just stared at the monitor blankly as if trying to search for an answer and cleared my throat and answered with a stuttered voice, “uhm ah a- I really don't know."

Well, first off, I am not supposed to disclose things that transpired on any of my call but since I don't think this one is classified information, I'll share it. And I wish she didn't start telling me about her love-life so I didn't have to respond, thus lengthening our conversation. 

"Values". She answered her own question. "You have to have the same values."

I remained silent as I hung on every word she was saying." The very reason why there are many failed relationships like marriages ending in divorce, is because when we were young we look for superficial attributes in a guy or a girl like sexual compatibility, material things, the looks...you know what I mean? In other words we let hormones dictate us. Sometimes, we look at the horoscopic compatibility, like when the planet mars embraces neptune. That is pathetic! And when they get married they end up fighting about in- laws, money, time and all kinds of crap because they don’t value the same thing!"

That was quite a sermon! I couldn’t believe I heard it from a woman who lives in a country where divorce is legal.

It's been a long time since I dared to write something about affairs of the heart. It was when?...Last Valentine’s Day? And it is not even like any other cute short-lived summer affair in High School or a love- story in-the- making- with someone else. It is all about my share of unfortunate yet funny experiences in the dating scene.  Like what I have always been saying, I don't have any romantic love story to tell. In other words, my life is boring.

Yikes! I hate finding myself writing topics like this. I swear I gave this a lot of thought. The risk of being criticized by old and matured people because I still don’t understand what I am saying is bothering me. But nothing is more disturbing than not being able to express my views. That awful feeling when I can’t sleep because I had to control conversations in my head like, “Go, get a pen, write!” and “nope, just shrug it off, It’s so trivial and preachy blah!..blah…blah!”

To be honest, it really is still early for me talk about this stuff. I am not ready for any commitment yet. Hence, I don't see any importance of it now. But in the years to come, say, five to ten years from now, I know it will make perfect sense to me. I’ll either laugh at the naivety of this essay or say “I’m right and I made the right choice.”

This may also somehow help shed some light on questions about why couples keep on fighting as though it is their daily exercise and trace the reason why there are relationships on the rocks. This also made me understand the kind of biological family I have.

In the religious perspective, there are three possible vocations one can take in a lifetime. These include Priesthood/Religious life, Single Blessedness/Consecrated celibacy and Marriage (Religious life, Single life and Marriage life in layman’s term).The three bear equal weight when it comes to sacredness. Yet, young as I am, it appears to me that marriage seems to be treated less sacred.

In the political and legal sense, Philippine remains to be a divorce-free nation though there are several attempts to set the bill in motion in the judicial level. That’s a good thing.  We remain to be religiously grounded. (If I may say so). The women’s partylist group Isa-Ako Babaeng Astig Aasenso (1- ABAA) was even unsuccessful in pushing the “ten- year marriage expiration” bill through, a year ago. It was in their hope to lessen violence against woman and children. Though, it sounds practically right but I found it funny and absurd. Renewable marriage is like renewable family that has a predestined end. What makes it different from divorce? It’s even worse because it’s like treating marriage not as a sacred lifetime commitment but a “some kind of a business venture”.

The woman is right. “Values” is really the missing ingredient. For me, it is the missing common denominator or the unknown value (x) in a relationship equation (because God will always be the constant variable).  The government and the church are not always there to write a bill to resolve issues we made for ourselves in the first place.

In addition to that, here’s how I perceived the woman’s point.

A couple doesn’t have to possess the same character or the same interest. In other words, you don’t have to look for a person who has a carbon copy of your personality. As a matter of fact, it’s ok if a person is your exact opposite. That way, you can complement each other. It’s already a consolation if you are at the same wavelength or share the same interests. Hence, you can understand where each other is coming from. But that’s just at the surface level. When she said, “You have to have the same values.” She meant, you have to share the same priority. If you value treasure, money or financial security, then go, marry someone who is future-oriented, the one who is responsible with money. She didn’t say be a gold- digger and marry the richest guy in town. She said marry the one who can journey with you in your effort to hone a well-provided family. If you love your parents/family, then be with someone who is family oriented, who can accept and love them too and vice versa. Same goes with religion, work/career, and time.

Values- disparity. Perhaps, that’s what happened to Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise who broke up several months ago.  Rumor has it that Katie Holmes doesn’t want her daughter to adapt Tom Cruise’s devotion to Scientology. God knows how they justified it to their daughter.

The kids always suffer from the result.It’s a known consequence.

“It’s God’s will” has been the most common justification of why it ended up like that.

And the most common classroom introduction I always hear: I come from a broken family. I don’t even bother asking why. I already know the answer. But I know it doesn’t make them less of a person and it doesn’t even make me or anybody else a lot fortunate than them. What’s the difference between having a broken family and having a physically intact family yet spiritually loose?urghh.

That might be the picture the woman had in mind. “You see, the choice you make today sweetie, has a long term impact, so take your time, you are still young.” That was her last word before the line went dead.

Furthermore, If you don’t have the same values, at least one party whole- heartedly accepts and understands the other. That’s where our “Choice” or “decision making” gets into the picture.

Decision making is right at the nerve endings connected to all of our body organs (internal or external) not just the nerve endings from our brain to our lips responsible for magical kissing sensation and/or the nerve endings of your skin, especially those that are connected to your reproductive and excretory organs. You know what I mean. (You might as well include your soul).

As what our theology professor taught us when I was a freshman in college, humans are defined by the acronym PRAISES. We are Physical, Rational, Aesthetic (visual), Intellectual, Sexual, Emotional and Spritual Beings. (He could’ve included financial) These are our needs. All should be involved and considered in decision- making. However, for some reason, we put more weight on emotional and sexual needs.

I also remembered a blunt yet sensible remark of a college professor, “If you want to know if she’s the right woman, notice how she treats her family members at home. If she screams a lot and treats her brothers and sisters as inferiors, think twice! You might be marrying Ms. Always Right. You are in great trouble man.” That can be applicable to women too.

 It doesn’t matter if you are a perfect campus or university couple, or limelight sweethearts, or if you turn everybody’s head when you enter Starbucks; or your zodiac signs are compatible. That’s crap. That’s what magazines, romantic novels and telenovelas bombarded to us. What really is important is when you watch your kids growing up saying, “My parents raised me well.”