The Perks of Being an 'Ate'

(a love story)

“The universe isn't made to order, you have to take it as it comes,” an anonymous internet blogger said.In my case, that’s really true. At some point in my growing- up years, I truly had a hard time accepting such reality specially that I am the eldest in the family. Next to gender, being an “ate” or "kuya” is a take-it-as-it-comes role in the Milky Way galaxy we live in. The rest is all a matter of choice.

When I was younger, it wasn't my much celebrated title. I wished life was just like a movie production where the chosen actor gets to read the script and choose to decline the offer if it’s against his advocacies or not within his comfort zone. Honestly, I had selfishly desire I were the youngest or the only unica hija in the family. I thought, life would be fancier if your parents’ income just goes straight to your studies, needs and wants than having five more mouths to feed with such meager earnings and not so stable job. You can chastise me now for my self- centeredness if you want.

When your family’s statement of liabilities is longer than the assets; when most of the time, you wouldn’t bother to ask for your wants because your “wealth” couldn’t even address all your needs, you'd really dream that you were born in a different time or birth order, into a different family; or worst, you’d wish your parents should’ve known better! Nope! This isn’t an introduction to a “Pro Reproductive Health Bill” article. This is an introduction to my 21^st year as an Ate and the silver linings in it.

Hi I am Manang Mae Ann! Why Manang? Alright, I’ll discuss a little bit of etymology and linguistics. (Naks!) In Bisaya, “ate”, a Tagalog term of respect for the eldest sister is widely used due to migration, media and intermarriage. In fact, it is the general Filipino term for any older female regardless of ethnicity.  In the Filipino- Chinese community, they call the first- born female, Achi and the first born male, Ahia. My mom, who inherited the archaic Cebuano tongue from our grandparents, taught my siblings to address me as “Manang” (the origin of the Cebuano slang “Manay”) and the oldest brother as “Manong”. “That sounds awful!” yeah, I always get that reaction but I didn’t protest when my mom gathered us together to teach us the old fashioned- way of respect and hierarchy. That’s her thing. And that’s how she influenced us. Manang Mae Ann is still my title to date.

Now, that I am 608.13 miles away from my sibs, I no longer hear that “Manang Mae Ann” a lot except when they call or text me. And I a… uhm kinda miss that. I miss the days when they annoy and piss me off in every way possible. I miss the way they turn my closet upside down. I miss our bunso, Jimboy inspecting my bag looking for pasalubong everytime I go home from school or work.  I miss the whining, cussing, the innocent chatter, and most of all, the laughter.  

So here I am, getting emotional again. I know, it’s silly but allow me to address each one of you and tell you how dear you are to your Manang. (After all, it’s my blog.)

yeah, she's my sister. why?

It wasn’t too long ago that I had a conversation over the phone with you Sheena Joy or Joyjoy, the second eldest. We talked about your plans, how you got your job as a cashier in a 24 hour convenience store, and your latest suitor, the auditor. You’re still the same frank yet perky and loud sister I know. Funny thing was, instead of me giving you love advices, I ended up listening to you. Yikes! Sorry, if all I could give you was career opinion since my love life isn’t really that worth sharing. I still remember how I raised my voice whenever you say you can’t do it. You’d say your resume isn’t that good- looking. Jeez… self- pity at its best again. Such kind of tiny and annoying details, made me smile. We weren’t really that close back then.  I hated your fashion sense, taste, friends and language. Now, I want to go back and fulfill my promise to make you my first model in my first photo-shoot project as an aspiring professional photographer. Stay pretty.

Selfie eh?

Here comes, Mark Louie or “Manong Louie”- the oldest brother.  You seldom call me. It’s ok. You are always like that. You are not into conversation- a man of few words. You observe things and love mathematics. You cry very easily which is cute and like me, you have a quick temper too. You are laid back and reserved. If my memory serves me right, you never bragged about your accomplishments. You never tell anybody whenever you learn a new task or skill. I like it. Keep it up. There was one time I was surprised when I saw you driving a motor bike. In fact, I just learned recently that you know how to play the guitar when you texted me that you needed money to buy a new set of strings because you would be presenting an intermission number in a Summer Youth Camp. I wish you’ll teach me some chords when I get home. I’m your number one fan.

That stare!

And then there’s this sister of mine who has that annoying yet funny laugh. She’s Melanie or “Melay”-the life of any group conversation. You’re a “comedienne in-the-making” (Duh, I don’t have to explain it.) Aside from the fact that we look exactly alike; you are also complex in every way. I’ve seen you manage a small business, heard you crack a joke, read an English passage, finish a task, laugh at an impractical suggestion and a stupid question. And I knew since then, that you’re hiding something; that there’s a talent and other interesting things in you that are lying dormant. But I didn’t ask why you’re not in the honor list. I didn’t ask why you were just a ghost of every class queen bee or 1^st honor. Well, maybe that was your thing. I don’t know what it was that took you so long to get out of your closet. I just hope it wasn’t because of me. I’m happy that you’ve made up your mind and cooperated with the people who saved you from being a wallflower. I heard that you hold a position in a student body and a Local Government Unit- Youth Organization; that you are active in the church and you started joining and leading curricular and co- curricular activities. Well, as an Ate, I am happy that people are starting to recognize you as you and not anyone else’s shadow. There’s just one thing I want you to always remember Lay. Avoid greatness. Don’t get lured into the perks of popularity. You were there when I fell once, it wasn’t a graceful one. Don’t try to save the world because you’ll just end up trying to save yourself.  You have no idea how proud I am of you.

Caloy, Caloy, Caloy. <3
(sorry, this is the best photo I found online!) : (

I watched the Bollywood film Every Child is Special/Like Stars On Earth twice and cried for the same person- John Carlo. People call you Caloy or Unggoy sometimes. Yes, you have every description the child star on the movie has- Dark skinned, buck toothed, idiot, moron, immature, among others (except the dyslexic thing). You were the least of my favorite back then. You are the only repeater in the family and I couldn’t count with my fingers how many times I ridiculed you for that or how many times I rolled my eyes on every misstep you make. It is too much that I wouldn't even bother putting everything into writing (Just watch the movie). You could say I am the worst Manang ever. You’re right. And I wasn't even able to make amends before I left home, not even a simple sorry. I might have provided some of your material requests but I know, no amount of money can repair your broken self- worth, your self- confidence. I honestly don’t know how to bring it back. I’d love to see you grow up as an established man and slap me in the face and tell me, “Remember the boy you used to call an Idiot? He’s a boss now!” I swear. I won’t retaliate. You take good care of yourself my little cherub. You’re special.

awww. poor boy!

bwahahahaha! the evil sister!XD

The best part of my bittersweet “Ate-hood” is watching my youngest brother, James, grow up. I will not forget the boy who wants me to always accompany him in every school recognition days. Hi baby Jimboy! Here’s one tight hug from Manang Mae Ann. Indeed, time passes very quickly. There was one day I received a text message from dad that said, “hgsdndefhfnvsjsxmsckfjdhkk”. I found out, that it was just you and your tiny fingers tinkering papa’s cellphone. You were I think, three years old that time. Now, I’m receiving your greetings, group messages and your never ending request to call you on your cellphone. I just can’t believe that the James Lourence I used to babysit is now turning into a promising young man, mathematician and dancer! Way to go baby! I’m your star cheerleader!

You guys don’t have any idea how much I miss you. Life would be different if I were the only unica hija. It would be less challenging. It might have been fancier than the life I lead now but It wouldn’t teach me how to care, fight and love this much. They said in order for you to move ahead, you need to stop minding what people think about you. I can’t do that. It is frustrating sometimes but with every decision I make, I always ask myself, “Would this make my sisters and brothers proud?” When I am about to take a certain action, I say to myself, “Would I like to see them acting the same way?” Am I doing the wrong thing? If no. hahaha! I don’t plan to change it.

You stop worrying about me here. Whatever my problem is, I know it is not the worst in the world. You see, I am here alone in a totally different realm- a complete stranger trying to create bonds with people I know nothing about though I know it is just transitory. That doesn’t worry me very much. I am happy (or at least I am trying). I am working. And I have to be honest. It is not a fancy one, not the job you dreamed for me. You are well aware that I am a call center agent. And I am proud of it. I am not the Anna Manalastas or the Anna Wintour in this industry. I can’t even get to the top 10 performers list. Oops! Don’t panic just yet! Because I am trying real hard! Remember, there are so many ways to skin a cat. So this is how I plan the game to accomplish our project to build a home we can call our own. It is a mansion right? So it’s gonna take some time. You have to understand that your Ate is no longer the ‘superwoman wannabe’ she used to be. I am in the real battle minus the drama and the background music. I am enjoying the chase so calm down. Someday you’ll be able to decipher the complexity of this reality I am in. For now, enjoy your life (responsibly).

Thank you for putting up with the undesirable “me” at home. For that, I give you the right to deserve me at my best. You take care and always pray before you go to bed.

With love,

Manang Mae Ann